There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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