meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
