in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
