last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
