I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I need a beard to bite.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
