When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
