That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
