I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
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