P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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