i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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