i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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