I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
