I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
