so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
