glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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