You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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