Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
