i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
