Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
