I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
