y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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