I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize