I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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