My sheets look like a crime scene.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
