we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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