I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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