I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
