I faked an abortion last night.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
