Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
