I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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