I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
