thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
