i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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