He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
