you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
