Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
