It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
