Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
