Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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