Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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