i think i have two assholes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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