i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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