I bet he comes in French.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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