ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
