we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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