Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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