Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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