I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
