Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
