I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
