Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
