the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
