Already got asked if we're dating
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
