Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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