i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
