Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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