Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dicks are not precious.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You left your phone here
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