A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
