Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
